It takes my breath away.
Ever have those moments - when your breath gets caught in your chest. I get them all the time... From good moments when hearing a certain song or thinking back to a great memory, to the ones that get you filled with anxiety and grief.
Often, I get caught up in songs. I tend to fall hard for certain lyrics. " I really miss your hair on my face, the way your innocence tastes" ... Just certain songs stick with me.
I associate things to no end. When I hear the song picture - I remember watching it being performed on an award show when I was in Humber Residence. Then things just tumble into place. I think of watching it with Lyndsay ... And how much fun we had I also remember it playing in my car radio the last day of Humber. I was driving away, car packed with belongings and cases of juice as I had to buy out my left over meal card. My heart gets caught in my chest at the feeling of sadness, excitement, regret, anticipation and fear that I felt when leaving that part of my life.
I wish I could be someone who looks back on memories and remembers happy things and appreciates past times. Instead, I panic. I realize I can't relive those memories. I regret not doing more and exploring more and sometimes wish maybe that I had played a better role of being a student. Maybe lived a little more. Was less judgmental and insistent on not acting young and more carefree and jovial. I had a great time - but did I have as great of a time as the rest of them? I didn't come in at all hours of the night. I will never really have a chance to do that again. It's really less what I didn't do - but more that that time period is gone. I told my mom how scary it was... Overwhelming really, to look back and feel like things happened just moments ago - only to realize they were decades ago. Time passes so quickly. She says she still feels the same way. It makes my stomach flip.
Things that do make me smile when remembering school is Cinibons and Bubble Tease. Chicken Finger Wraps and masking tape barriers. Topless girls and chocolate sauce with chest prints on the wall and a chocholatey tractor. Trying to create the largest salad on a single plate... The Wedding Story, Singing she thinks my Tractors Sexy down the hall, Tracey and I with our " WHERE did you get those Cookies? Were they FREE?".... Singing puppets from the grocery store, sitting on Elijah's six foot in the air bed, Watching scary movies in Josh's room... Having people come wake me up when they came in from pub nights so I could get post pub pizza.... And most of all - how wonderful my little crappy res. bed felt after a late night out.
That hole that I moved into that I hated so much became my own. I miss that part of my life so much. Even more so than my first apartment before that when I lived in Welland.
What happens in ten years? Do I look back and go " God I was in my 26th year and I did nothing" ... Will I still have the people around me that mean so much now? What if I lose them? Will I catch my breath when I wish I still had them? Change is not what I care for. I either care too much or not at all. I wish I could change that I am an " All or Nothing" Girl.
Often, I get caught up in songs. I tend to fall hard for certain lyrics. " I really miss your hair on my face, the way your innocence tastes" ... Just certain songs stick with me.
I associate things to no end. When I hear the song picture - I remember watching it being performed on an award show when I was in Humber Residence. Then things just tumble into place. I think of watching it with Lyndsay ... And how much fun we had I also remember it playing in my car radio the last day of Humber. I was driving away, car packed with belongings and cases of juice as I had to buy out my left over meal card. My heart gets caught in my chest at the feeling of sadness, excitement, regret, anticipation and fear that I felt when leaving that part of my life.
I wish I could be someone who looks back on memories and remembers happy things and appreciates past times. Instead, I panic. I realize I can't relive those memories. I regret not doing more and exploring more and sometimes wish maybe that I had played a better role of being a student. Maybe lived a little more. Was less judgmental and insistent on not acting young and more carefree and jovial. I had a great time - but did I have as great of a time as the rest of them? I didn't come in at all hours of the night. I will never really have a chance to do that again. It's really less what I didn't do - but more that that time period is gone. I told my mom how scary it was... Overwhelming really, to look back and feel like things happened just moments ago - only to realize they were decades ago. Time passes so quickly. She says she still feels the same way. It makes my stomach flip.
Things that do make me smile when remembering school is Cinibons and Bubble Tease. Chicken Finger Wraps and masking tape barriers. Topless girls and chocolate sauce with chest prints on the wall and a chocholatey tractor. Trying to create the largest salad on a single plate... The Wedding Story, Singing she thinks my Tractors Sexy down the hall, Tracey and I with our " WHERE did you get those Cookies? Were they FREE?".... Singing puppets from the grocery store, sitting on Elijah's six foot in the air bed, Watching scary movies in Josh's room... Having people come wake me up when they came in from pub nights so I could get post pub pizza.... And most of all - how wonderful my little crappy res. bed felt after a late night out.
That hole that I moved into that I hated so much became my own. I miss that part of my life so much. Even more so than my first apartment before that when I lived in Welland.
What happens in ten years? Do I look back and go " God I was in my 26th year and I did nothing" ... Will I still have the people around me that mean so much now? What if I lose them? Will I catch my breath when I wish I still had them? Change is not what I care for. I either care too much or not at all. I wish I could change that I am an " All or Nothing" Girl.
posted by Femicas | 20:59
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